A Selfless Companion and True Patriot
Presented by Jon Maslen (a.k.a Wyoming Jon)
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Early Years
Lil' Red came into being some 65 million years ago as a dinosaur. Early accounts vary, but the most credible sources agree that Lil' Red was vivacious and well-respected in his community. Most of his leisure time was spent mentoring younger carnivores on the importance of maintaining cardiovascular health (not an easy task with a three chambered heart). Lil' Red preached that endurance was key to successfully catching and subduing sauropods for supper. The two principle tenets recorded in Lil' Red’s Critique of Pure Running were: 1. Run 2. Replenish your carbohydrates with nutrient-rich beverages. George Cuvier reportedly said upon discovery, “This lil feller is going to change the world. Someone get me a beer!” |
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Birth of Tragedy
After completing the first annual Paleozoic 100, a large rock fell out of the sky and killed poor Lil' Red and all of his running companions. The cheerful mentor to so many was definitely deceased, had ceased to be, was no more, expired and went to meet his maker, bereft of life, resting in peace with presumably very little recourse but the content himself with pushing up daisies. His remains were buried under a thin layer of ash and rock that prevented aerobic decomposition. This stroke of luck, in an otherwise horrific nightmare, allowed Lil Red to conserve and compact his hydrocarbon chains and preserve his vast reserves for future generations.
After completing the first annual Paleozoic 100, a large rock fell out of the sky and killed poor Lil' Red and all of his running companions. The cheerful mentor to so many was definitely deceased, had ceased to be, was no more, expired and went to meet his maker, bereft of life, resting in peace with presumably very little recourse but the content himself with pushing up daisies. His remains were buried under a thin layer of ash and rock that prevented aerobic decomposition. This stroke of luck, in an otherwise horrific nightmare, allowed Lil Red to conserve and compact his hydrocarbon chains and preserve his vast reserves for future generations.
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Renaissance
After eons of waiting and refining his philosophy of running, something strange happened. Lil' Red felt a rumble in the ground and was immediately engulfed in the sour stench of rot gut whiskey, Copenhagen snuff, and the overpowering sound that could only be mean one thing-freedom. In a frenzy of excitement, Red rushed up as fast as his little carbon-carbon double bonds could carry him to the surface of the earth. He was greeted with all due honors by his soon to be good friend Dick the Derrickhand. Dick was a kindly sort, and smiled when he saw the sweet black tar come running up from the hole he had worked so hard to make. His labor had been rewarded by the liberation of millions of little hydrocarbon chains from their dark underground prison.“Hello friend,” said Dick. “Hello friend,” said Red. “Looks like you’ve had a rough go of it,” Dick chuckled. “I’m not the one eating out of a paper sack,” Red replied. Dick chewed on that for a minute and thought of a solution. “Let’s send you off to the refinery to learn how to be a proper hydrocarbon that can fix that for me.” |
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So off Lil' Red went to the refinery, where they were so happy to see him that they built little dinosaur statues and shipped them all over the country in his honor. His tenure at the refinery was brief, but the folks there desalted him and cleaned off all the asphaltenes that had been accruing. After his stunning reformation, they said, “Now that you’re a cleaned up ethylene, we can either hydrate you and you’ll be ethanol or we can further process you to make something more enduring.”
For Lil' Red, the choice was easy. He thought about his good pal Dick and his insistence upon imbibing carbohydrate rich beverages., and off he went to become a food-quality, high-density polyethylene cooler. Of course, his injection molder insisted upon red coloring, and down he went through the heated auger of progress.
For Lil' Red, the choice was easy. He thought about his good pal Dick and his insistence upon imbibing carbohydrate rich beverages., and off he went to become a food-quality, high-density polyethylene cooler. Of course, his injection molder insisted upon red coloring, and down he went through the heated auger of progress.
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Modern Era
Lil' Red was quickly adopted by Clint Green, a Tulsa runner who was a disciple of all things running and carb-laden beverages. Through his new pal, Lil' Red met the whole TOTs gang at Turkey Mountain, where they would collaborate to improve the sports of running and drinking beer for many in the Tulsa area. To this day, Lil' Red continues to spread joy and alcohol every Tuesday night at the weekly run. His legacy will endure long after his 48 year half-life has expired. |
Ecce Adfrango: A History Of The Can Crush
Many throughout time have pondered the origin of the can crush. Experts debate the true beginnings of the Crush As We Know It, but most reputable historians agree that we can trace the origins back to the early to mid-Aluminum Ages. Some have contended that these stories are merely mythological in nature; perhaps, mystery shall surround it for all eternity.
The mythos surrounding the First Crush revolves around a dual between two campion knights at the first annual Aluminumati Beer and Joustappalousa. This event was documented by Pabst the Elder, a travelling mushroom wizard now known as the only historical Can Crush scribe. According to the Scrolls of Pabst (C. 3.2 Anno Domini), Sir Canheiser of the Busch face gallant Sir Hammsalot in the final round of jousting. After several rounds of indecisive combat, both knights exhausted their supply of traditional lances. However, neither contender wanted to forfeit the title of Aluminumaster Joustifier.
The mythos surrounding the First Crush revolves around a dual between two campion knights at the first annual Aluminumati Beer and Joustappalousa. This event was documented by Pabst the Elder, a travelling mushroom wizard now known as the only historical Can Crush scribe. According to the Scrolls of Pabst (C. 3.2 Anno Domini), Sir Canheiser of the Busch face gallant Sir Hammsalot in the final round of jousting. After several rounds of indecisive combat, both knights exhausted their supply of traditional lances. However, neither contender wanted to forfeit the title of Aluminumaster Joustifier.
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Therefore, an agreement was reached that the lances would be constructed from empty beer cans. Knowing that the lances would crush upon contact with their opponent, Pabst declared the following rules for judging the crushes. First, girth would be more important than the length, as with most things in life. Second, blowouts would be frowned most heavily upon.
The stage was set for an epic dual, and while the hammered victor’s name has been lost to the march of time, the rules have battle had been set in stone, much like the sword Excalibur. Popular legend holds that Sir Hammsalot felled Sir Canheiser of the Busch, and after unseating him, finished the round with a crush perfectly placed on the brim of his opponent’s helm. |
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Some reports that Hammsalot victoriously proclaimed, “Sic Semper Tincannus!” while delivering the blow. This crush gained the name Magna Crush, and allegedly was so concentric and thin that spectators could only marvel in awe.
Some (most) historians view Pabst the Elder as an unreliable source, due to oft-cited spells of alcohol induced insanity. Regardless, the tradition and legend of the Can Crush lives on in tales and frequent reenactments across the globe. While technological advancements have been made in the science of can crushing, nothing is as enduring as the crush of a can beneath a foot, in the art of the Old Ways. |
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